Communication Needs

I need the right kind of environment to be in a “safe space”, where the tone and approach is affirming, inclusive, respectful, calm, and constructive. This isn’t about controlling the conversation; it’s about creating conditions where I can communicate clearly and stay regulated.

• Affirming: My feelings and experiences are treated as real (even if they’re interpreted differently), rather than dismissed, mocked, or reframed as “wrong.”

• Inclusive: My communication needs are considered part of the conversation, not an inconvenience or a character flaw.

• Respectful: No insults, threats, moral judgement or attacks. Disagreements are about the issue, not about who I am as a person. Limited sarcasm is recommended.

• Calm: Lower intensities help me stay present. Raised voices, hostility or pressure, make it harder for me to think, explain, and respond accurately, and often end in cognitive overload which can cause agitation.

• Constructive: The goal is understanding and resolution, asking clear questions, responding to what is actually said, and focusing on what can be done next (boundaries, repairs, practical steps).

Without this kind of environment, I’m much more likely to shut down, struggle to explain myself,  feel unsafe, unheard, unheard or sensitive and not feel any form of safety or security around the individual(s) making such an impact.

I recommend being up-front and honest with me, as long as it’s generally respectful. This is because of the following:

• It allows me to hear your perspective in your own words without me having to guess anything,

• I cannot read anyone’s mind or thoughts, I often miss social cues, and do not get, or usually understand implied language.

• It also allows me to better know your current stance, and work with that constructively.

• If you aren’t being up-front and honest, I will likely not know what is going on, and will likely not be able to ‘read between the lines’

  • In the case of emotions/mental health, it is completely okay to not express one’s state. You are welcome to if you feel safe to express such, but it is not an expectation. 

I recommend not labelling my emotions/feelings unless I label them myself. This is because of the following:

• Not assuming labels allows me to feel heard and valued, instead of being assigned a label that I didn’t consent to.

• Using labels of emotions/feelings that I am not actively feeling can result in potential agitation and further feelings of hurt, and not feeling properly understood or listened to.

• I appreciate when someone actively listens to my feelings, and is able to summarize or shorten them, but can still communicate the same message.

• I recommend avoiding dismissive language or expressions with my experiences, such as: “that didn’t happen”, “you’re just wrong”, “you’re making it up”, “you’re misinterpreting”, “you’re being too logical/ taking things too literally”

  • It’s okay to say: “I remember it differently”, but I need my lived experience to be treated as real and valid. 

  • I am going to approach things from my perspective and experience, which is a very logical lens, whether you may agree with it or not, I’d like that to be respected when possible.

I recommend avoiding statements that blame me or my values for individual(s) feeling/acting a certain way . This is because:

• I don’t control anyone’s feelings, thoughts, actions or reactions, these are controlled by the receiver.  I cannot know or predict this accurately.

• I struggle to put myself in another individual's perspective, as their functioning is wired completely differently to mine, and thus, we will have completely different views and feelings. I will validate all experiences regardless, and ask for all other involved parties for the same.

• I recommend allowing me the time, space and capacity to communicate through text after a verbal conversation, as it allows me to reflect, clarify or reiterate certain aspects of a conversation. 

• Not allowing me this capacity would potentially not make me feel valued. Text is my preferred communication format, and I’d prefer that to be respected when possible.

• Not responding to a text that may indicate awaiting a response can often result in me feeling unheard or not respected, especially if it’s just left on ‘read’ with no indication on your behalf that you’ve taken such on board. This is especially true for messages with a serious tone. 

  • In this case, even a brief acknowledgement would be appreciated, and if you need time to process such, explicitly stating such (with an indicated timeframe, which can be extended) would be preferred, and help me feel more balanced.

I recommend not using long or complex analogies, sarcastic language or hypothetical/rhetorical questions. This is because:

• I may not be able to understand what you mean, and will likely require thorough explanation. I additionally may not understand why something was referred to in a way that doesn’t make sense to me.

• I can usually not pick up on sarcasm unless one’s tone is very heavily adjusted for such, or it’s explicitly outlined that something is/was sarcastic.

• I usually want to answer any question asked to me, I don’t know when someone does not want me to answer something, nor why someone would actually want an unanswered question.

• I can usually only base things on my lived experience, which means if something falls outside of that, I would not know exactly how I’d process it, and would have to think for long periods of time to associate a similar event and apply variables to it for adjustment.

• I recommend one’s tone and attitude to be regulated throughout correspondence, so that I can additionally stay regulated. Heightening emotion on your end might do the same for my end.

Whilst I can be a little silly sometimes, I am always happy to settle down for a deeper conversation. I ask that one listens and values my honest input, and asks me questions further if they don’t understand or miss something.

My feelings and interpretations may not be completely understood, but they are real and valid experiences for me, which I’d appreciate the space and time for me to communicate, hopefully in the best way that works for you.

Additionally, whilst my biological sex is Male, I do not prefer being referred to, or described as a ‘man’, or being ‘masculine’.  Questions about my gender orientation, sexuality or any other similar traits will be answered honestly if I am comfortable sharing such. I ask for respect for these, as I respect your own individuality and autonomy.

If I am feeling unsafe or uncomfortable around you, it usually means that strategies that weren’t the most appropriate for my needs may have been implemented prior. If I do feel this way, I will usually indicate such clearly. 

• One can work towards rebuilding comfortability as part of a slow, restorative process of healing. Expecting things to be healed when no action is seen will not resolve things.

• I recommend using all of the above tools for reconstructing a healthy bridge of communication and connection.

• Healing and restoration of any uncomfortable/unsafe feelings are done in my time and space. This may take a while, but may also be quicker if you can show your capacity to use the strategies outlined above.